On The Cusp

297a95a01f684995f046a18ab8d1df74I don’t have a surgery date yet. I wish I did. I am doing all the  things I have been told to do. I went through the 12 week behavior management program. I will continue to see her on a biweekly basis. I have been following the diet program prescribed. I saw the psychiatrist for my meds. I am seeing a Dietitian every month. I have seen a pain doctor and had a nerve ablation to both knees, and PT to increase the function of my knees. Next week is more PT. and on Friday, I see the bariatric Psychologist that works with the endocrinologist. Perhaps they will tell me that I can see a surgeon. I have cut out caffeine and most sugar. there is no junk in the house, no cookies or chips. I am nervous about all of this. I will know more on Friday.

A dark tiled room as a background
A dark tiled room as a background


100 Powerful Positive Affirmations12Why did I choose weight loss surgery? I ask myself that question every day. The answer is different on different days. Today it was the birth on Wednesday of a 6 pound 9 ounce baby girl, our granddaughter Abby Rose. There are a million other reasons as well.

The biggest reason of all is I don’t want to die. I want to live. So I made a really scary decision to look into gastric bypass. I decided I had to do something, all else had failed. Atkins, couldn’t maintain, Nutrisystem one word, ick. Weight Watchers, TOPS (take off pounds sensibly) OA (Overeaters Anonymous) starvation, purging, nothing worked. Not long term anyway.

So here I am, in all my glory, hoping to have weight loss surgery. There are lots of steps to go through. One is a mandatory 12 week behavior modification program. Today was my last day. Yesterday I started PT to help get me walking more and exercising more. So I believe I am on the right track.2f301e1a2407362b62b48205510289e3--fitness-tips-fitness-quotes

There is a lot of anxiety though. On August 10th 2018 or 10 days from now, I meet with the bariatric department’s Psychology team. My psychologist will send the records of the behavior management, and I am thinking they are the people who decide whether I get referred to a surgeon or not. I am trying not to think about it too much. The surgery is needed as well as wanted.

I am not good at dealing with the anxiety. I want to scream at times. 10 days and I feel my entire life is in the hands of the people at Mayo in Rochester.

How do you handle stress? Food is not an option.

D. Alexx Miller 2/31/2018

Starting Fresh

I had 8fc09b4cff6416860f50a7786ae0a379several posts up on blogger, when for some reason Google decided to delete both my book review blog and my new blog about my journey forward.

It may seem weird to post about a “journey forward”, but I have had a really weird life. Some of it very dark (we’ll get into that later), some of it like this is about my health, all the way around. It includes mental, emotional, physical, and my behavior modification would say the “spiritual” side of things. I am not religious. I do consider myself open minded. This all leads to the reason I am writing this. I want a record. I want someone besides me to know and see what is going on. Like I said, this part of my life is difficult.

I am on disability. I stopped working as a massage therapist last year. I applied for and got disability. I started gaining weight because I was no longer moving very much due in part to the pain. My knees are shot. I was sedentary for too long because of the pain. It was hard to walk more than a bit not only because of the pain but because I gained 51KMTPNMbZL._SX355_weight.

Then we moved. Hoping to become more active, have insurance, get appropriate healthcare, etc. When I got on the scale at the doctors office I saw the numbers and cried. I had always sworn up and down that bariatric surgery was a bad Idea. Now I was thinking my weight is going to kill me. Now I was finding out I was going to be a grandmother. I didn’t want to die. So I started the process towards health and away from illness and disease.

Lots of Doctors to see. Endocrinologist, Psychiatrist, psychologist, pain medicine, sleep medicine, rheumatologist. So I started. It has now been about 3.5 months since I first began this journey. I needed/need to become more active. So I had nerve ablation done to both knees to diminish the pain. It was painful, It truly sucked, but I would say I have had at least and 80 percent reduction in my knees. Tomorrow I see a physical therapist to hopefully help me become more mobile.
Last monday I had my second appointment with the dietician. We made some goals. I need to be following through on. I don’t know why it is so hard. Do I want to fail? I don’t think so. I need to drink more water, log all my food, walk 2 times to the corner each week, and do sit and be fit 3 times a week. Why is that so hard?

8d6a5d0eba866e3cf6faf2c840f9c5b6Tuesday marks week 12 of the required behavior modification program. I need to continue working on a post surgical plan. Where I want to be 5 years down the road. Who is my support? Who can I talk to who will understand, how will I manage the physical, mental and emotional changes that will take place?

I doubt myself all the time. How do I do this? Who is there for me? Am I strong enough?

I got a phone call a few days ago from the bariatric center. They want to see me back in Rochester to see one of the Bariatric Psychologists on August 10th. I think that means we are getting closer. I guess I will find out in a little over 2 weeks.

It’s scary. It is getting real. I wish I had a mom’s shoulder to cry on, to talk to, who understands. I just need to breathe. I can do this. I am stronger than I think.


Come and join me on this journey

D. Alexx 7/29/2018