21 Days, Too Much To Do, Too Little Time

3 weeks before surgery. There is a lot on my mind. I get frazzled very easily.  It is hard to shut off at night these days.  I think continually about “The Day”.  Bruce and I positive-affirmations-slow-downare constantly trying to make sure that the house is ready, and we have the supplies I will need. Things like protein powder, 2 oz and 4 oz disposable cups with lids for food, appropriate food items that I can eat, a step to get into the bath. We still need a few things like a shower chair, and some medical supplies like gauze and tape for wound care.

The first week home will mostly be liquids, either cleard5ac395862134c68249538333a741767--gym-positive-thoughts or full. Then we progress to pureed and then soft, then regular food. Protein first, then veggies and fruits.  

My stomach won’t be able to hold more than an ounce or two. The biggest thing I need to remember is that little or no simple carbs. I can have small portions of whole grain products. But for the most part, I won’t be eating much in the way of breads, potatoes, pastas, or rice. That’s okay. I will survive.


There are a lot of things I want to do post surgery, one is to get a tattoo. I have something in mind, but I am not sure.  I also want, either a kitten or a puppy, or both????

My goal weight Ideally is 160 lbs. I am scared. I am anxious, I am excited. I want it done now. i-am-good-color-previewUnfortunately, I have to wait.  

On the 21st of February I have multiple appointments in Rochester. I see a Dietitian to discuss food, and I see the surgeon for all the paperwork and to ask questions.  I also meet with my Psychiatrist to discuss medication issues, how to take meds, and make sure I stay mentally as healthy as possible.  I will continue to see my psychologist, and my local dietitian as often as insurance will pay for.

I plan on going to a support group. There is one in 3e035f8ada5dcf7ed33b2eb40e527870Mankato which is a drive, but it is only once a month.

I Will be using the bike that is sitting in my living room. I have weights at home as well.  By the time of my surgery, it should be a bit warmer with less snow so I can walk outside.  Walking is something the doctors want you to do a lot of.

Our world is changing rapidly.  I am trying not to totally download (3) freak out.  I am a fighter and a survivor.  

I will wake up. 

I will have a better life.

Keep me in your thoughts,




39 and Counting…

21 June Daily Affirmations

I am sorry it has been so long since I have posted anything. It has been a crazy ride these last few months. So much has happened, so many doctor appointments, so many hoops to jump through. But I made it. After nine months of pokes and prods and medication and procedures, finally I have a surgery date. Thirty nine days from today, I will be having weight loss surgery. It has not come easy. I guess I have been working towards this for a few years.

I always told myself I would never do this. I2c79201c734674dbe2a881db6be3e7e5--fitness-inspiration-motivation-gym-motivation would not take the “easy” way out. It turns out, I’m not. The process and the procedure and the rest of my life will be focused on my health and the health of my Significant Other Bruce.


There is so much that goes into getting ready for this. I have lost 22 lbs. I have had many many many appointments with doctors, nurses, therapists and dietitians. I have read many articles, both medical and subjective papers on WLS. I have been reading lots of books on the subject as well as how to do it successfully. I have read and am reading about mindfulness and yoda-1-696x464mindful eating. I have protein powders and drinks, and sugar free everything. I have stopped using caffeine, white flour, most sugar, and carbonation. I move as much as I can, and I am eliminating the word “TRY” from my vocabulary. To quote Jedi Mater Yoda, “Try not. Do or do not. There is no try.”

Thirty-Nine days. It seems like forever. but there is still much to do. Getting the house ready for the surgery. Getting my head more ready for surgery. Continuing to eat as healthy as possible, move as much as possible, see my therapist, and any doctor I need to see.

I admit that I am scared. (The doctors would be worried if I wasn’t.) But I can do this. I will do this. I will live.

Next Post will be my post surgery wish list.

Blessed Be

Alexx cropped-8fc09b4cff6416860f50a7786ae0a379.jpg


stay-motivatedIt’s been a bit too long since I have written.  It’s been a difficult month or so. Depression is a hard thing to deal with on any given day, but when you are trying to get your health in order, and trying to do everything that you need to do to qualify for weight loss surgery, it can be an exceptionally trying time.  

I am trying to stay as positive as possible, but it’s getting hard. Last Friday, I looked on my patient portal to check what time my appointment is for my Dietitian’s appointment.  To my surprise, I saw that the endocrinologist scheduled me for a visit to him and ordered the bariatric surgical consult for Dec 17th.  I was super excited. Finally things were coming together.  

Then when I went back on the portal for some other reason on the following Monday, thebelieving-in-yourself-quotes-amp-sayings-believing-in-yourself-993814 DEC 17th appointment was no longer there.  I didn’t know what was going on. I did however miss a call from the health care system I use.  I tried calling back and no one could tell me who called. They called back. When I answered I was told that the bariatric surgical consult would have to be rescheduled because they needed pre-authorization for the surgery prior to the consult. Needless to say, I wasn’t happy. I cried for hours.

I am a bit better today.  Still frustrated. Trying to keep up with all that is required of me and that I need to do for myself.  I have been going to PT to hopefully strengthen my knees so I can walk better and get stronger. I have seen the Psychiatrist who has signed off on the WLS. I have been seeing the Dietitian, and a Psychologist. I am always in pain. That won’t change until after surgery.  

4-good-habits-post-bariatric-surgeryToday is dealing with the HCMP and the insanity that is insurance. They auto enrolled me but sent me no information to tell me I was enrolled in a Missouri policy when we moved here (not Missouri).  

Insurance companies are a pain to deal with.  I need to make sure that everything is up to date prior to Dec. first. That is when the new year starts for my insurance.  

I am truly exhausted emotionally. Writing anything has been difficult. I need to make a habit of at least posting something short, every week.  

Hopefully things will get better. I have been reading a book titled Body Kindness by Rebecca Scritchfield, RDN. I think this is a great book to help myself and others remainstrong-enough positive.

It can be said that when you are mired in shit, sometimes the best thing you can do is hope that the bottom doesn’t fall out while you dig yourself out.

Blessed Be


What To Do

Well, well,107c7b190451b9cc34fc50b5cb1c6231--funny-workout-quotes-funny-motivational-quotes well. The past couple of weeks have been kind of crazy. There has been so much going on in our lives. Bruce has been working very long hours in the cities, which leaves me on my own for breakfast and lunch. Needless to say, it has not been pretty. I ate too much junk, mostly carbs, not enough protein, and not enough exercise.

The problem is Bruce has worked from home for so long he has been doing lunches, and that way I do not have to think about it. But now I need to start planning. Planning is not my strong suit.

159weight loss affirmations32Despite what happened and as nervous as I was about going, I went to my dietitian. I lost 2 pounds. It was a really good session and I went away feeling accomplished, and set some simple goals.

1. Only weigh myself 1x per week, on Thursdays. The reason for this is so that I weigh myself before we leave on our trips to Atlanta to meet our first granddaughter, and to Chicago for our niece’s Wedding. Because Bruce and dietitian know me, if I weigh myself afterwards I will freak out.

2 Meal planning 2-3 lunches for the week. Yeah, because I hate it and because I suck at it.

The others were pretty standard, drink 4 bottles of water, exercise, go to PT, watch the frozen yogurt quantity (hey it’s fat free and no added sugar.)

69618d62a4910b247094cbf5fdbdc592After the session with Dietitian, I went to PT. I worked hard, and there is improvement in my range of motion. She focuses on my legs because they are the problem area. We are working on getting me more mobile and stronger. Lots of leg and core work. She would like to see me get in the pool. I want to get in the pool.

Once we got home for the day, I made the phone call that I was333 putting off. I called the bariatric surgery coordinator. Surprisingly, she answered. I need two more visits with my Dietitian, once in September, once in October, before we can schedule an appointment with the endocrinologist, and the surgeon. It was not the response I wanted to hear. It is very frustrating. I thought I was at the point we could make those appointments.

I am 204-inspirational-quotes-weight-loss-motivationnot sure what I can do. I need to find a way of making the next 2 months useful and successful. What can I do to better prepare? What can I do to get myself stronger? What do I need to do not to let the 2 months get to me? I need to find a way to focus on the positive.

What would you do? Let me know in the comments


On The Cusp

297a95a01f684995f046a18ab8d1df74I don’t have a surgery date yet. I wish I did. I am doing all the  things I have been told to do. I went through the 12 week behavior management program. I will continue to see her on a biweekly basis. I have been following the diet program prescribed. I saw the psychiatrist for my meds. I am seeing a Dietitian every month. I have seen a pain doctor and had a nerve ablation to both knees, and PT to increase the function of my knees. Next week is more PT. and on Friday, I see the bariatric Psychologist that works with the endocrinologist. Perhaps they will tell me that I can see a surgeon. I have cut out caffeine and most sugar. there is no junk in the house, no cookies or chips. I am nervous about all of this. I will know more on Friday.

A dark tiled room as a background
A dark tiled room as a background


100 Powerful Positive Affirmations12Why did I choose weight loss surgery? I ask myself that question every day. The answer is different on different days. Today it was the birth on Wednesday of a 6 pound 9 ounce baby girl, our granddaughter Abby Rose. There are a million other reasons as well.

The biggest reason of all is I don’t want to die. I want to live. So I made a really scary decision to look into gastric bypass. I decided I had to do something, all else had failed. Atkins, couldn’t maintain, Nutrisystem one word, ick. Weight Watchers, TOPS (take off pounds sensibly) OA (Overeaters Anonymous) starvation, purging, nothing worked. Not long term anyway.

So here I am, in all my glory, hoping to have weight loss surgery. There are lots of steps to go through. One is a mandatory 12 week behavior modification program. Today was my last day. Yesterday I started PT to help get me walking more and exercising more. So I believe I am on the right track.2f301e1a2407362b62b48205510289e3--fitness-tips-fitness-quotes

There is a lot of anxiety though. On August 10th 2018 or 10 days from now, I meet with the bariatric department’s Psychology team. My psychologist will send the records of the behavior management, and I am thinking they are the people who decide whether I get referred to a surgeon or not. I am trying not to think about it too much. The surgery is needed as well as wanted.

I am not good at dealing with the anxiety. I want to scream at times. 10 days and I feel my entire life is in the hands of the people at Mayo in Rochester.

How do you handle stress? Food is not an option.

D. Alexx Miller 2/31/2018

Starting Fresh

I had 8fc09b4cff6416860f50a7786ae0a379several posts up on blogger, when for some reason Google decided to delete both my book review blog and my new blog about my journey forward.

It may seem weird to post about a “journey forward”, but I have had a really weird life. Some of it very dark (we’ll get into that later), some of it like this is about my health, all the way around. It includes mental, emotional, physical, and my behavior modification would say the “spiritual” side of things. I am not religious. I do consider myself open minded. This all leads to the reason I am writing this. I want a record. I want someone besides me to know and see what is going on. Like I said, this part of my life is difficult.

I am on disability. I stopped working as a massage therapist last year. I applied for and got disability. I started gaining weight because I was no longer moving very much due in part to the pain. My knees are shot. I was sedentary for too long because of the pain. It was hard to walk more than a bit not only because of the pain but because I gained 51KMTPNMbZL._SX355_weight.

Then we moved. Hoping to become more active, have insurance, get appropriate healthcare, etc. When I got on the scale at the doctors office I saw the numbers and cried. I had always sworn up and down that bariatric surgery was a bad Idea. Now I was thinking my weight is going to kill me. Now I was finding out I was going to be a grandmother. I didn’t want to die. So I started the process towards health and away from illness and disease.

Lots of Doctors to see. Endocrinologist, Psychiatrist, psychologist, pain medicine, sleep medicine, rheumatologist. So I started. It has now been about 3.5 months since I first began this journey. I needed/need to become more active. So I had nerve ablation done to both knees to diminish the pain. It was painful, It truly sucked, but I would say I have had at least and 80 percent reduction in my knees. Tomorrow I see a physical therapist to hopefully help me become more mobile.
Last monday I had my second appointment with the dietician. We made some goals. I need to be following through on. I don’t know why it is so hard. Do I want to fail? I don’t think so. I need to drink more water, log all my food, walk 2 times to the corner each week, and do sit and be fit 3 times a week. Why is that so hard?

8d6a5d0eba866e3cf6faf2c840f9c5b6Tuesday marks week 12 of the required behavior modification program. I need to continue working on a post surgical plan. Where I want to be 5 years down the road. Who is my support? Who can I talk to who will understand, how will I manage the physical, mental and emotional changes that will take place?

I doubt myself all the time. How do I do this? Who is there for me? Am I strong enough?

I got a phone call a few days ago from the bariatric center. They want to see me back in Rochester to see one of the Bariatric Psychologists on August 10th. I think that means we are getting closer. I guess I will find out in a little over 2 weeks.

It’s scary. It is getting real. I wish I had a mom’s shoulder to cry on, to talk to, who understands. I just need to breathe. I can do this. I am stronger than I think.


Come and join me on this journey

D. Alexx 7/29/2018